maRGa’s Blog

emotera’s moving to multiply….

love it there…
http://iamargiee.multiply.com

add! add! add!

Haha! It’s been a while since I last posted here. There have been countless attempts to do so but i just couldn’t find the perfect timing and condition perhaps?:) It’s already the end of March and I just couldn’t believe that in a short span of time, a number of sudden and tremendous events happen. Some made me happy, some sad, others made me furious.

Anyway, I was supposed to surprise a friend the other day and left her a text message that would keep her hanging for a week. (haha) Little did she know I already planned a vacation for us in a place we’ve been wanting to visit. I haven’t seen this person for a while already and i want to treat her as my way of making up for the 3 months of not seeing each other. (not even texting). So, i texted her that I will be seeing her and that I will tell her something ‘important’ while laughing so hard because I’d be expecting her to beg and have me spill it out. I miss her and the thought of playing with her is just so cool (well at least for me..:))

I was already about to sleep when I received a text message from her. She told me she’s fine and that she also needs to see me. I didn’t find any trace of curiosity on the text she sent me. I expected her to ask me what it was all about but well, there was none. Worse, she told me that SHE NEEDS TO TELL ME SOMETHING IMPORTANT TOO. Putang ina. This is one message you don’t want to receive especially when you’re about to sleep. for heaven’s sake! I thought she was just playing with me and just bounced back what I did to her. But she texted back and hell yes, she was dead serious. I replied back and asked what it was to rest my damn soul. That time I already have this ‘woman’ feeling of what it is. After a number of messages she confirmed it that she is. Fuck.(the 1st word to come out of my mouth) But she did assure me that she’s well and happy and that her family is with her (not sure with the dad). Right now her condition is kind of sensitive but she’s getting by it. Although I had and still have mixed emotions, I assured her that I’m with and that I support her all the way. If I didn’t have work that night I might have rushed to her house and checked her out.

I might be wrong on saying too much and being open about what I feel. Maybe I’m just being protective and conservative in a way. We all know pregnancy comes after marriage and NOT before marriage. Others may not agree on this (I respect that) but we know it’s the normal cycle in life women go through. I bet every girl dream to walk down the aisle first before getting pregnant and all (of course, the hassle on dealing with the papers and the lawyers are exceptions..haha) Also, there are a lot of considerations to make first before getting into a life changing situation like motherhood.

Considerations like:

1. the father of the child-this one’s hard.)

2. financial matters e.g regular check ups, giving birth, raising the baby- this one’s harder

3. giving up the single life- watching out for the baby, changing diapers, breastfeeding(ayoko na!), sleepless nights tending the baby sleep, plus the partner/husband’ s selfish needs(hell…joke lang) OVER going out and not minding getting home late, wasting money on shopping and having to care less about anything. - THIS ONE’S THE HARDEST.

I’m not just referring to my friend. I’m talking in general. Don’t get me wrong. This is just my opinion. I have friends who didn’t end up like the one I mentioned and yeah there’s nothing wrong about it. They were able to grace their way out of the situation pretty well and I admire them. All the more, it’s none of my business and besides, I might be the one who’ll break my own rules…hope not. hehe

I know you requested not to tell everyone first. I understand and agree that it’s better to lessen the stress you’re feeling now. I know one day you’ll be able to read this. You know I care for you. you’re one of my longest and most reliable friends in the world. I have to admit I’m kind of jealous because I can no longer drag you anytime and anywhere I want to without hearing a word from you. I know your time will be divided and that the possibility of you listening to my woes and heartaches will be lessened..haha! BUT I’m more jealous coz you’ll soon have an angel and I don’t..yet. Seriously, I admire your courage to be able to stand up for it. I have seen how people mature because of motherhood. In your case, you’re matured even before that came that’s why I always run to you…remember 07/01/08? I’m happier to know I’m gonna be a godmother to another angel. Well, if others are born to be forever bridesmaids, I hope and pray I’m not doomed to be just a godmother of every friend’s baby forever.. I just wish your guy will take care of you more than ever. I’ll be optimistic for you as you were to me on my last dreadful relationship. I was supposed to take you with me to C*** next month but i know this time it is not possible. Of course, I understand. Things happen for a purpose and the vacation will just give us happiness in the meantime and there will always be next time. who knows? it would be merrier because of the added baby.

Motherhood is a blessing. It’s a realization that yeah, you are fertile. haha According to one close friend of ours too, it’s like almost every girl friend around us were/are pregnant or guy friends being single dads…and it leaves us to what? uhmmm….virgins still?hahahaha

cheers. life is beautiful. sometimes it sucks pero carry lang…:)

There are people who just love to inflict pain on themselves–stupid as it may sound but it is so true. Some are aware that they are doing so but they never mind. Some are too stubborn to consider and just continue hurting themselves because, ironically, they love it and that’s what they want.

just a thought.

USA (Dodge Viper)

USA (Corvette)

Germany (Audi)

Italy (Lamborghini)

France (Peugeot)

PHILIPPINES!!!

Johnny Deep Sh*t!

I’m on one of the many who likes Bob Ong. Humurously true.

1. “Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka nya..”

2. “Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba.”

3. “Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang.”

4. “Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na.”

5.“Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo

kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin.”

6. “Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo..

Dapat lumandi ka din.”

7. “Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na

araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang.”

8. “Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi

pagkukusa.”

9. “Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao

rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang.”

10. “Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka

naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga yung una.”

11. “Hindi porke’t madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa

mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan kayo.

Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi,

pa-fall o paasa.” =====>>tagos.

12. “Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalaki. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon,

mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng kapareha

dahil lang maganda o nakakalibog ito. Totong mas mahalaga ang kalooban ng

tao higit sa anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan

nagmumukha ding pandesal, maniwala ka.”

13. “Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa rin maghintay,

kasi hindi ikaw ang priority.”

14. “Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw yung bida

sa script na pinili nya.”

15. “Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag

nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang

makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo.”

16. “Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa

paggawa ng wala”

17. “Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohan, at hindi lahat ng

hindi mo kayang intindihin ay kasinungalingan”

18. “Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin

ang puso mo. Tumitibok lng yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo.

Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang

hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang

na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay!

Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi

ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari

sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!”

19. “Pakawalan mo yung mga bagay na nakakasakit sa iyo kahit na

pinasasaya ka nito. Wag mong hintayin ang araw na sakit na lang ang nararamdaman mo at

iniwan ka na ng kasiyahan mo.”

20. “Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang mga taong malalapit sa iyo.

Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo.”

*****more more more more

“Nalaman kong hindi final exam ang passing rate ng buhay. hindi ito multiple choice, identification, true or false, enumeration or fill-in-the- blanks na sinasagutan kundi essay na isinusulat araw-araw. Huhusgahan ito hindi base sa kung tama o mali ang sagot, kundi base sa kung may kabuluhan ang mga isinulat o wala. Allowed ang erasures.”

“Kumain ka na ng siopao na may palamang pusa o maglakad sa bubog nang nakayapak, pero wag na wag kang susubok mag-drugs. Kung hindi mo kayang umiwas, humingi ka ng tulong sa mga magulang mo dahil alam nila kung saan ang mga murang supplier at hindi ka nila iisahan.”

“Mangarap ka at abutin mo. Wag mong sisihin ang sira mong pamilya, palpak mong syota, pilay mong tuta, o mga lumilipad na ipis. Kung may pagkukulang sa’yo mga magulang mo, pwde kang manisi at maging rebelde. Tumigil ka sa pag-aaral, mag-asawa ka, mag-drugs ka, magpakulay ka ng buhok sa kili-kili. Sa banding huli, ikaw din ang biktima. Rebeldeng walang napatunayan at bait sa sarili.”

“Tuparin ang mga pangarap. Obligasyon mo yan sa sarili mo. Kung gusto mo mang kumain ng balde-baldeng lupa para malagay ka sa Guinness Book of World Records at maipagmalaki ng bansa natin, sige lang. Nosi balasi. wag mong pansinin ang sasabihin ng mga taong susubok humarang sa’yo. Kung hindi nagsumikap ang mga scientist noon, hindi pa rin tayo dapat nakatira sa jupiter ngayon. Pero hindi pa rin naman talaga tayo nakatira sa jupiter dahil nga hindi nagsumikap ang mga scientist noon. Kita mo yung moral lesson?”

“Nalaman kong habang lumalaki ka, maraming beses kang madadapa. Bumangon ka man ulit o hindi, magpapatuloy ang buhay, iikot ang mundo, at mauubos ang oras.”

HALO-HALO

“Ayokong nasasanay sa mga bagay na pwede namang wala sa buhay ko.”

“Hinahanap mo nga ba ako o ang kawalan ko?”

“Hindi dahil sa hindi mo naiintindihan ang isang bagay ay kasinungalingan na ito. at hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohanan. ”

“Sabi nila, sa kahit ano raw problema, isang tao lang ang makakatulong sa’yo - ang sarili mo. Tama sila. Isinuplong ako ng sarili ko. Kaya siguro namigay ng konsyensya ang Diyos, alam niyang hindi sa lahat ng oras e gumagana ang utak ng tao.”

“Obligasyon kong maglayag, karapatan kong pumunta sa kung saan ko gusto, responsibilidad ko ang buhay ko.”

“Masama akong tao, tulad mo, sa parehong paraan na mabuti kang tao, tulad ko.”

“Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala.”

“Iba ang walang ginagawa sa gumagawa ng wala.”

“Iba ang informal gramar sa mali !!!”

“Para san ba ang cellphone na may camera? Kung kailangan sa buhay yun, dapat matagal na kong patay.”

“Pare, isa kang totoong tao at walang halong kasinungalingan. In English, FACT you, pare. Totoo ka. In English, FACT you!”

It’s 2:37am and I’m still awake and online. haha! I woke up earlier than I expected and I still felt a bit tired but I knew I have to get up coz somebody is waiting for me (Ate Tess). We had dinner around 9:30pm and as usual we finished late as I kept on telling stories about anything. I kinda of feel tired and bored and wasn’t in the mood to do anything when out of nowhere I just thought of going to a bar near our place and drink. I jokingly invited Ate Tess(she doesn’t drink) and I was surprised coz she then agreed. siniswerte nga naman..I didnt wasted time and then head to the shower and dress up. Well, I didnt give her any time to change her mind actually. haha We agreed to stay in the bar I usually hang out. It was fine. we stayed there for more or less than an hour. And boy, what appetite we had? After drinking beer, we then went to the convenience store in front of the bar to buy, uhm, ice cream..hehe

Anyway, we were really supposed to go out in just a short while because I was set to meet Patricia at PeopleSupport around 12:30am. It’s been a while since we havent seen each other. The last time we saw each other was January of last year. We had countless of times to settle the date and time of when and where to meet but we just can’t agree on one. We have different rest days and yes I have to admit, Im the worst texter in the world I guess. I only text (not just Tricia) when I need to and I rarely reply (or if I do, it would just be once or twice and after, I keep it hanging..hehe) We have been texting and even calling each other for so many months already but we cannot meet until now.
****to make it short, we finally agreed to meet just 2 hours ago. I joined her in her lunch time. I missed her and was so happy to see her. We talked and updated each other. Plus, I got the chance to see my friends especially the ‘morning’ people, Gacis and Lovely. I just missed them and Im happy that they do too. They even told me that Im still their ‘George’(this is what they call me on the floor and shoot I cannot remember why. I only remember the ‘Donna’. haha!)

I already met B-anne(my breakfast date as always..hehe), Honeybee and Mitzie. I also met Tricia, JP and Lovely. So when will I see the rest? hehe I missed them and the account. Hope our plans of meeting soon will come into reality. Sana!!! I just spent like more or less than an hour there but it feels so good to see them even for a short time. I didn’t spent even a single time with them except work time. And it’s been like a year already since I saw them but everything and everyone’s still the same. Im happy.

but I cannot sleep without listening to one song I just like so much from the moment I heard it last night. Ate Tess was making fun of me while I was preparing myself to work. She was letting me guess all the titles of the songs she has on her phone and suggested that I should join some ‘lyrics’ game show. I didn’t mind too much as I was pre-occupied of dressing up and preparing my stuff for work when she played a song from Mariah. Im not so into Mariah(shouting and all..hehe) songs lately but this one I really like A LOT. I did nothing but listened to the song before heading to work, during my breaks, on my  1hour break and even after work–worse, even until now. My officemates find the song ordinary and they werent thrilled like the way I do. I can’t explain why I love this song. I cant even relate to the song. HELL NO!

“I Stay In Love”

Oh baby
Baby, I stay in love with you

Hey, what I wanna do is
Ride shotgun next to you
With the top down like we used to
Hit the block
Proud in the SUV
We both know our heart is breaking
Can we learn from our mistakes
I can’t last one moment alone
Now go I know

JAN: I made the biggest mistake of throwing everything up in the air. I came from a month long vacation(well-deserved I have to say) in Davao. It was supposed to just last for 2 weeks but I had it extended for 2 more weeks and pretended to have, well. ’sore eyes’ (why not? hehe I guess I was just too overwhelmed of being in Davao-my comfort zone, no traffic, friends, beaches and just everything bout the place. Everything went well. My vacation leaves were all approved(even my ’sore eyes’ condition was ok). I was able to get back to Manila just fine. I don’t know what happened that made me decide to give everything up and go back ‘home’ (which isn’t likely as I didn’t stay home). I actually know but it has something to do with what happened to my partner back then. I don’t blame anyone. It was my fault. I suddenly changed my mind and made a decision of trying my luck there. At that time, I thought I made a wise and timely decision of working there and at the same time going back to school and study Law.

FEB: The first month was really cool for us. I personally thought I made the right decision of going back. I was going out every now and then, drinking sessions every night, malling and going to places I missed. But that feeling didn’t last long. Although, I was immediately hired for a particular Call Center there the long term effects of the wrong decision were slowly surfacing. It’s hard to elaborate on them.

MAR-MAY: I stayed in Cotabato though there were times I travel back to Davao to settle some finances. This frustrates me to remember how things didn’t turn out the way I planned it. Too many promises. Too many assurances. Too many excuses. Too many lies. (I’m too used/sick/tired of hearing it.)Everything were all blah-blahs. BS. FS. Worse, I turned to my mom as I lost my job. I wasn’t even in Davao in the first place. Although, it was a good experience to be in a place where they welcome and treat you very well(I’m thankful and will always be) and enjoy the view of a new place and a wholly different culture still it was not what I badly wanted at that moment. I wanted to work and study Law. These months were the hardest for me. I want to leave but I just can’t. Too complicated.

JUN: Something happened that made us stay in Davao for ‘good’. This time, everything seemed to be going well but in reality, deep inside I was feeling all so guilty for being bum for those months. My parents are the one supporting me which is definitely the other way around. Shameful. I couldn’t provide a valid explanation on what the hell I was doing, on where I was and why I wasn’t working and studying. My brother’s 1st yr death anniversary. I did not think of it as something I will be commemorating or celebrating. I think of it at that time as an opportunity for me to escape.

JUL: I went back to Manila. I have to say this was the hardest month for me. I left Davao with almost nothing with me. Cathy can attest to that. Good thing I was easily hired. The hard part, I had to wait. I relied on stupid promises. It kept me hanging. I got lost. Damn, can’t say much. I went back to scratch with nothing but one small gym bag with everything in there. One picture of me with Cathy smoking provoked everything. And it had nothing to do with the smoking but the stupid reason of going out. ha! Anyway, I knew it was time. It had been long overdue. I should have been out even weeks after it all started. I couldn’t even imagine now how I endured all the fights, unending arguments. It wasn’t me at all. I knew leaving everything would mean starting from nothing but it’s okay. I can no longer have that life(you can’t even call it one).

AUG-SEP: I fixed everything up. Yeah I started from scratch. No one had an idea on how I survived but I did. I met new friends who, until now, still guides me. I have Ate Tess who inspires me to become better and more mature. So many I almost fall off but she, along with Jandi and the rest of my friends helped me get over with things and move on. It was also around this time when i finally quit smoking. And yeah, I was starting to lose weight (love it!). Everything was slowly going back to where it should be-reconciled with some family members and friends, fixed my credit card woes(haha). I started my new work good. I had fun with my new circle of friends(never a dull moment).

NOV: I started my new life. No more rules. I was so happy to do what I want without anyone getting mad. I enjoy work so much. I was able to get in touch with my friends more often. I’m online here at friendster 24 hours and nobody cares!haha! I meet new people and everything is nothing but a breath of fresh air for me. I’m thankful that before the year ended, I was able to fix my life. I may not be able to attend to some important family affair but I good thing they understood. I won’t be able to take care of others when deep down I was crushed and all.

DEC: It’s sad to say that I spent the Holidays alone. Well, not really. I spent XMAS and New Year’s Eve at work. It was fun. I was with my officemates. I also went to Tagaytay and was welcomed by my foster family..hehe If I had a choice I should have been in MGY to be with my parents but it’s not just possible. There will be other times when I can go home and see them. I’m happy and thankful for everything that I have now. I appreciate everybody more. The Holidays doesn’t really have to be celebrated by being physically together. What’s important is what is in your hearts and making your loved ones happy even when you’re not around.

so emo…hehe

2008 isn’t the best year(as it has yet to come) but it’s one of the better years I had. I may have started it a bit off but good thing I was able to redeem myself. So many times that were wasted. I can no longer afford to lose even a sec. I do not have any regrets. Everything is bound to happen. The only thing that frustrates me is that it took me a more than a while to realize I was wrong. Life is short to be angry all the time. I don’t have grudges or anything. I wish everybody well. You know how appreciative I am even on very little things. I’m happy to do what I need and want. Everything so simple. No pressures. No worries. No unnecessary guilt feeling. So thankful I was able to get over it and was able to move on.

Anyway, Im looking forward to 2009.
New Year’s Resolution?

-just be more wiser and more mature this time.

-I’ll take my time. Enjoy as much as I can but never compromise in what I believe in.

-to be less stubborn(haha) and yes, lessen my collection of moods
-to be more consistent (esp on diet)

-never drink–uh oh i cannot promise..hahaha!!!

I smoke as often as I need to- with coffee, alcohol, after a good meal, during conversations, with friends, while resting, solving a problem, calming myself down and even after exercise(my reward for being good). So, the chance of quitting seemed next to nil. That’s why i wouldnt be surprised to receive unconvinced remarks when I, the almost two-pack/day smoker, finally licked the habit for good five months ago. NO VIOLENT REACTIONS My family still don’t know but if they do, it will definitely be a celebration. Most of my friends, too, have no idea. So guys, ‘totoo na ‘to.’ You have no choice but believe because I just did.

I started to smoke when I was in my last year in college. Nobody introduced this to me. Back then, I saw how my dad (even how my late brother secretly smokes). Some of my guy friends smokes too. I think the primary reason I smoked was the image it portrays. Smokers are shown as being cool, daring, energetic and athletic winners. Cigarettes seemed like a very attractive accessory. In a way, it was also peer influence (should I say past’s) and having to do with one’s hand during social situations.

I did have countless of attempts to quit throughout the 3 years, all it took was weight gain and unimaginable tempers..hehe And oh, I was with a die-hard, full time smoker. that made me fall off the wagon. Also, my mind wasnt really into quitting. At the back of my mind, I knew it would be easy to quit my resolve to quit. Besides, no one could ever dare to be seriously averse to me.

Ironically, smoking was the very reason I kicked the habit, cold turkey at that, 5 months ago. ****EDITED****hehe To make the story short, I had a false alarm from my x-ray exams. I thought I had some infection and all. I got paranoid for a week while waiting for the 2nd result. People have no idea how I was back then. haha I was too careful of telling anyone coz i cannot afford to hear another line of crap such as, ‘ikaw kasi, tigas ulo mo.’ I knew I was at fault. Good thing it turned out to be just a false alarm. WHoa!!! I cannot die young, sexy and poor.. Seriously, I know it was time to quit. Since then, I never felt the urge to light up. YES, tempetations are there and everyday is a struggle for me. Well, smoking is like a bad love affair to me. When it’s over, you never look back.

Now I no longer seek the confines of the smoking sections of the restaurants or be obsessed about splashing a cologne every after each stick. I have more energy, just like when I was still in sports back then, more time and more concentration. Eveything is well now. I now feel cleaner inside and out. Looking back, cigarettes was like my sort-of bestfriend. It gave me a lot of comfort and pleasure. I dont regret being a smoker but I’m happier and way better being a non-smoker.

ahem. I’m not trying to pressure others. You know who you are. You know Im tolerant when it comes to that coz I know you’ll feel tired of it in time just like what I felt.

I have never disclosed this to my recent friends. im not ashamed or hiding something. But I’d be prouder to talk about other than this.

Yesterday, I, Uyai and Jam had a confernce chat. We had mic’s too(except for Jam who’s using walkie-talkie..haha!) I had fun talking with them. Though it lasted shortly as mother gay had to go. Uyai and I both checked on each other and the rest of the PolSci gang. I also called Payat hoping against hopes that she can be online to join us. Unfortunately she was at work. Uu nga naman, hindi pa Pasko. hehe I also happen to talk to Icy later that day and check her too. I just miss her so much. Though shes more vocal..and she sounds lesbian..hehe Peace Ingrid!

Anyway, it frustrates me to know I won’t be able to go home and see these crazy bunch of intellectual monsters. I wish I was in Davao and party with them like we used to. Im kind of happy at the same time sad to know that theyre not gonna have any reunions for this year. Bad: We’re supposed to have that even if we are God Damn busy with our own lives. For old time sake! Good: I cant be there. So without reunion, I wont go crazy here thinking how they are having fun without me. hehe And besides it would ba a torture looking at their faces, smiling and laughing and looking extremely drunk..

Heard you guys are going to have a get together..i have one request though..Where the hell is Blanche-Marie Montanez??? I heard she went back to Davao. And I also heard she’s in Manila now? Im dying to see my gay sister. info please…:)

Seriously, let’s go online on one particular date and time and let’s talk, have fun at least ONLINE.

walay mag busy-busyhan…walay traba-trabaho..hehe

It will happen if you want it to.

english2??? Hayaan nyo na..lashwing lang…